Mormons

As a card-carrying member of the MTV generation, I’m dickless without my reality TV. Normally, I prefer to watch the white-trash and ghetto-blasting marathons that VH1 serves up. But this season, thanks to a Green Acres meets Yentl-style bromance, "Survivor" got my titties all twisted.

Trap even the ugliest of men-folk in a jungle, get them all dirty and stinking, and you’re frankly describing me and Michael Lucas' favorite bedtime stories. But Survivor must have been hitting up the Barbizon School of Modeling for boymeat this season, ‘cause honestly I’d have any of their butt babies. There was queer Spencer, who on his way to National Pass-Around Reality Party-Bottom, shirked his pride and stayed in the closet. I’d pair him with snarky Mormon Tyson who danced around naked at the drop of a tree leaf forcing the censors to blur out what I imagine was a big, floppy pee-pee. Total Monet Joe didn’t build up enough backstory to get us ‘cited before his new injury sent him back to his home square-state. Smarmy and handsome Brendan never seemed to lose any beef or brawn, and I suppose creepy "Coach" Ben was good for some daddy fantasies—but none of them were the real Manwich.

Well, well, well... lookie what we have here. Sure this calendar of studly-slash-supposedly sin-free boyz made the rounds last year, but it looks like they're raring to go for another go-round.

In case you're unfamiliar, the Mormons Exposed website and calendar use photos of real-life missionaries (I hope that's not the only position they know) and whores them out for all the world to whack to in hopes of raising awareness of well, something. (I really didn't read far enough, nor do I care to.) In all likelihood the only thing they're raising are fleshpoles. Here's a direct quote from the website's "Project Information" (cough, cough): "The general public is largely unaware of the selflessness and sacrifice of the men who have served missions. They have helped the poor, fed the hungry, built schools and homes, and provided service to many people in need. Theirs are stories that deserve to be told." Aww - that would have been so sweet to see Bill Maher react to in Religulous, don't ya think? What the fuck: Order the calendar along with the DVD of Latter Days and make it a sinner's blue-plate special. If you're feeling really randy you can get something from here.