The Life & Times of a Self-Proclaimed Movie Star

DEBUTANTE

I was recently blindsided by the discovery that … wait for it … there is actually a Matthew Montgomery film (my very very FIRST film as a matter of fact) that hasn’t been distributed yet. I know, folks. I gasped just as loud when I heard this preposterous news myself. It was like finding out that Gerard Butler was gay-ish all over again. In case you missed that Gerard reference cause you were living under a rock - or in my case hung over under a rock - then here you go. Your welcome. There was also an article evidently claiming this was false, how convenient, but being the good gay that I am, I’m not posting that one. (If you’re a party pooper, you can go Google it yourself.)

Actually, what he supposedly regurgitates is "I have been in relationships with women. And men. That doesn't make me gay. That doesn't make me straight." Well, at least he got that last part right. Before you start throwing stones (or glitter), I’m well aware of that part of the population who seem to think they’re “bisexual.” Personally, I think they’re just greedy. And awfully indecisive... like John Kerry. READ MORE

Back to my favorite subject - me. I came across this film that somehow slid under the radar (much in the way that Gerard Butler probably slid under a man or two - or fifty - in his time) and get this - the movie NEVER GOT RELEASED! No limited theatrical, no DVD release, no LOGO programming, not even a damn webisode run! First of all - how much valium does one have to be on to miss the boat on this one? Let’s face it, it’s not that difficult to get a Matthew Montgomery movie distributed. I mean, I’M IN IT - what more does the film need?!?

Needless to say, I’m drunk right now. Usually am by noon. So now that the Kettle One has kicked in and my head feels a little like it’s swimming in bunny fur, I’m a little loose lipped and ready to do something about this bullshit. I’ve forwarded a copy of my unreleased movie to TLA Releasing. They said they’d “take a look and see what they could do.” What the hell is that supposed to mean? I’ll tell you what to do! PUT IT ON DVD! RELEASE IT DAMMIT! They’re sitting on a goldmine and they wanna “think about it”???? My suspicions are that they may be reluctant since I don’t show my ass in this one. Trust me, I wanted to, but was told it wasn’t “appropriate” for this type of film. Whatever. Come on, it’s not a church film.

The movie is pretty Oscar® worthy if you ask me, and that’s a purely objective opinion. It’s slightly avant-garde and a little grainy - edgy actually, really pushes the envelope (like Warhol or David Lynch) with a bit of everything—horror, humor, additional celebrities, and probably the most incredible special effects that were WAY AHEAD of their time. Oh and most importantly... it has me.

In the meantime, while TLA is waiting for the gravy train to pass them by, I’m looking at all my options, people. If you’re sick of waiting for another Matthew Montgomery movie to hit the shelves - wait no more! You can put the crack pipe down and smoke this instead! I’ve attached a little trailer of the film. A teaser, if you will - a TASTE, if I may - and I shall - to whet your palette and leave you aching for more. I’m getting excited just thinking about it - thinking about myself, that is.

Let the salivating begin!